I hesitated even posting this entry because it is very personal... but it's my blog so here we go. There are many things that I struggle with, but the most prevalent one I would have to say would be weight. I have never been skinny. Even at my smallest I wasn't a size 4, I was a size 10 (my collar bones stuck out horribly and I had a lot of muscle) but still not a size 4. In fact, I don't even WANT to be a size 4, because for me, I think I would look pretty ridiculous. However, I have decided now more than ever, I need to lose the weight.
In the past I have tried diet after diet, never sticking with it for more than a couple weeks because I become bored, or we go out to eat and instead of making a healthy choice, I decide to spoil myself because I have been good all week. Then, well while I am being bad - hell with it, lets order dessert. It is a slippery slope that I am aware of, yet every single time I seem to slide down and then give up because I have already ruined any progress I have made so far. In essence, I sabotage myself each time but am aware I am doing.... and I don't stop myself.
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| 2002 on the left, 2010 on the right |
When I look at that picture.....it kind of makes me sick. I don't even recognize myself... in either picture. I am so ashamed that I let myself get out of hand to such an extreme. Because of my weight, I now dislike things I used to love. I hate clothes shopping. I find myself buying a pair of shoes instead of the jeans I actually need, because why would I want to buy a pair of jeans with THAT size tag on it? My shoes have stayed the same no matter how much I gain. I almost once cut out the tag from an outfit because I was so ashamed... and that was after I cried in the dressing room (which seems to happen more and more every time I need a new piece of clothing). I despise going near any body of water in the summer time, because that means I will have to wear a bathing suit, and those scary pieces of spandex don't hide anything. In fact I have grown to dislike summer altogether because I am embarrassed to wear shorts and tank tops because of my body! My weight gain has also affected my mental state.
My emotional well being is in shambles because I am so incredibly insecure about myself. I want to enjoy my life. I want to do so many things, and I have told myself I either can't because I am so out of shape or I am not deserving/good enough. We want to have children in the next couple of years. Not only do I need/want to be in shape to carry a child... but I don't want to be the lazy fat parent who sits around and does nothing and watch their children become the same. That is absolutely terrifying to me and I don't even have kids yet! I want to be out in the yard running with my children and taking them outdoors the way I grew up.
2011 will be the year. The year I get myself on track, emotionally and physically.
I have so much to look forward to.
