Weight Struggles

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

I hesitated even posting this entry because it is very personal... but it's my blog so here we go. There are many things that I struggle with, but the most prevalent one I would have to say would be weight. I have never been skinny. Even at my smallest I wasn't a size 4, I  was a size 10 (my collar bones stuck out horribly and I had a lot of muscle) but still not a size 4. In fact, I don't even WANT to be a size 4, because for me, I think I would look pretty ridiculous. However, I have decided now more than ever, I need to lose the weight.

In the past I have tried diet after diet, never sticking with it for more than a couple weeks because I become bored, or we go out to eat and instead of making a healthy choice, I decide to spoil myself because I have been good all week. Then, well while I am being bad - hell with it, lets order dessert. It is a slippery slope that I am aware of, yet every single time I seem to slide down and then give up because I have already ruined any progress I have made so far. In essence, I sabotage myself each time but am aware I am doing.... and I don't stop myself.

2002 on the left, 2010 on the right
When I look at that picture.....it kind of makes me sick. I don't even recognize myself... in either picture. I am so ashamed that I let myself get out of hand to such an extreme. Because of my weight, I now dislike things I used to love. I hate clothes shopping. I find myself buying a pair of shoes instead of the jeans I actually need, because why would I want to buy a pair of jeans with THAT size tag on it?  My shoes have stayed the same no matter how much I gain.  I almost once cut out the tag from an outfit because I was so ashamed... and that was after I cried in the dressing room (which seems to happen more and more every time I need a new piece of clothing). I despise going near any body of water in the summer time, because that means I will have to wear a bathing suit, and those scary pieces of spandex don't hide anything. In fact I have grown to dislike summer altogether  because I am embarrassed to wear shorts and tank tops because of my body! My weight gain has also affected my mental state.

My emotional well being is in shambles because I am so incredibly insecure about myself. I want to enjoy my life. I want to do so many things, and I have told myself I either can't because I am so out of shape or I am not deserving/good enough. We want to have children in the next couple of years. Not only do I need/want to be in shape to carry a child... but I don't want to be the lazy fat parent who sits around and does nothing and watch their children become the same. That is absolutely terrifying to me and I don't even have kids yet! I want to be out in the yard running with my children and taking them outdoors the way I grew up.

2011 will be the year. The year I get myself on track, emotionally and physically.

 I have so much to look forward to.


  1. 2011 will be a great year! I support you and love ya, Jess!

  2. I think you are beautiful no matter what, but I also feel like I could just link to this blog and say "look at this to see how I feel" - I've gained alot of weight in the last year and it makes me sad constantly. It effects everything I do and what I think people think about me. Maybe we can be an accountability duo??

  3. Thanks guys! I was worried to post this and then I thought, my friends read this so they are going to be supportive, love you guys!

    Liz - We can totally be accountable to each other! I am try to watch what I eat and exercise already, but with all of the holiday stuff going around, I am also not trying to sabotage myself. I am easing into it in December, but as of Jan 1, I am getting into it hardcore. I think I am going to go back to weight watchers and then try and do a good amount of an exercise routine in the morning before work and then take the doggie out for at least a mile jog when I get home. I am not just out to lose the weight, but I am out to feel better about myself and live a healthier lifestyle :-)

  4. You can do it Jess!! I believe in you!! :)
    -Jill (Jordy's Jill)

  5. I would have guessed by the icon photo which Jill this was :-) Do you have a blog too?