Last Beginning

This is it. My fresh start. My clean slate. My do-over. 

Do you know how many times I've said this to myself (and to everyone around me)? Too many times to count. I am the queen of starting over in the diet department. I am also the queen of slipping a little, which turns into an epic downward spiral, and then quitting. Yup, I've been a quitter. At least I'm being honest about it right? 

I'm at a point in my life where I am not only unhappy with my weight, but I am unhappy with myself and my self image of who I am. I know, deep inside, I am capable of so much more. Capable of a better, amazing me. I also know that the number on the scale shouldn't be my end all be all. It shouldn't dictate the way I feel about myself. I know all of this. But, it does. 

My size dictates the way I feel about myself. The way I feel others feel about me. What I'll allow myself to do. When I think of flying somewhere on vacation, my very first thought should not be - if I go, this time I might need a seatbelt extender. 

I've always jokingly said I am a skinny girl trapped in a fat girl's body. I've recently come to realize, I am a fat girl trapped in a fat girl's body. No one has force fed me all the processed crap I've eaten to get this way. No one and pinned me down to the couch, and forced me to win the gold medal in being lazy. 

It's on me. I cannot blame anyone but myself and that's a really sobering thought. It gets overwhelming when you finally own it and process it all - all the fault, blame, anger, sadness, and self loathing.

Luckily, I have an amazing husband and family that loves and supports me no matter what size I am. I know I can succeed, and having a support system like I do, I know I truly am blessed.

So here's to my new beginning. The very last new beginning I will have on my weight loss/self loving journey.